July 24th, 2020

In life, we know things don’t always go perfectly or “as planned”. We know things are messy, complicated, and unpredictable. We even see examples through friends, relatives, and other such stories we so often find ourselves reading online. And yet, even though we know it can happen, more often than not we never actually expect it to happen to us.

Breaking things off with your significant other. A delayed wedding. Foreclosure. Difficulty getting pregnant. There’s so many big things that could happen to anyone anywhere. And yet, when we think about our story…do we really expect them to happen? You always hear about them but—oh, not me; that’s not something I’ll have to worry about. Well, I think COVID-19 is proof enough that anything can happen to anyone.

Mike and I have known since before we were even officially married that we wanted a big family together one day. We also knew we’d probably be one of the few couples that had kids young, before most other couples our age even gave the B-word a passing thought. So after two years of marriage had passed and we finally officially decided we were ready to start our family, we were more than excited—and more than ready.

We had the discussion to start trying in January of 2020, and so I stopped taking the birth control I had been on. A few months passed with no news, but that was to be expected. While I secretly hoped we might be one of the lucky ones who got pregnant almost immediately after we started trying, I knew it wasn’t realistic. A few more months passed and the discouragement started to build. I knew that everything would happen with God’s timing…but what exactly was wrong with the current timing anyway? With everything going on due to the pandemic, I tried to view the delay as a blessing in disguise. Maybe it was for our own good we weren’t dealing with a pregnancy in the midst of it all. But still, nothing changed and my impatience built.

Summer came and with it brought an annual doctor’s visit for me. Because of high cholesterol levels running in my family, I go once a year just to get blood work done to make sure mine is still in check. My appointment went without any hitches—my primary doctor, Dr. Naga, said I looked good and healthy, nothing out of the ordinary. A few days later the nurse called with the results for my blood tests and, instead of saying everything was good like she usually did, she said the doctor wanted to discuss a few things with me about my cholesterol and thyroid.

Well it was bound to happen eventually, I thought. My dad has had high cholesterol for years, and it seems like I must be cursed to get all of his bad genes (of course I got his blind eyes and his thin hair instead of my mom’s 20/20 vision and thick locks 😒). But, again, it was expected; so I wasn’t very surprised.

However, when Dr. Naga called me back the next day for our over-the-phone appointment, the conversation went in a totally different direction. She informed me that my thyroid levels were very high, and that I had Hypothyroidism.

I blinked once. Twice. Was I hearing her correctly? Did she mean to say Hyperthyroidism?

I could practically be the poster child for Hyperthyroidism. I’ve always been skin and bones growing up, to the point that people often asked my mom if I had been born premature (to which she’d shock them with the fact that, no, I was actually an eight pound baby). Doctors have always marked me in the lower percentile for my height-to-weight body index and instructed I eat more, even though I had never been a stranger to food. My thyroid has always been larger—which, unfortunately for me, has led to a blood draw at almost every appointment to check on it. I had a very fast metabolism, so the enlarged thyroid was to be expected.

So how could I possibly have Hypothyroidism? My doctor confirmed that, yes, she had indeed said “hypo”. I had a low-functioning thyroid which resulted in some high TSH levels. On average, the normal range for TSH levels is 0.4 to 4.0 milli-internal units per liter. People with Hyperthyroidism have levels below 0.4, while people with Hypothyroidism have levels above 4.0. I clocked in at a whopping 6.8—well above the margin for normal. It was especially significant compared to last year’s blood work, when I had only measured around 2.0.

Still, I was baffled. Literally three days prior my doctor had told me that, compared to last year, I had lost about 12 pounds. (And I honestly don’t say this to brag—it was hardening news because this weight loss put me at the bottom end of healthy for my body index…something I’ve actually been working hard to try to increase to a higher, healthier level this past year.) One of the most common things you see in someone who has Hypothyroidism is weight gain. The other symptoms she mentioned to me included fatigue, hair loss, and constipation. She asked if I had experienced any of those, to which I laughed and said not at all. If anything, I tend to have insomnia so I’m usually never tired. The only symptom I can say I actually identified with was a sensitivity to cold—and anyone who knows me (or has to share the AC with me) can attest to this.

For those who don’t know, Hypothyroidism is a condition someone has when their thyroid gland doesn’t make enough of the thyroid hormone (called thyroxin). Without enough of that hormone, your body’s system can slow down and doesn’t run as properly as it should. In the long term this can lead to joint pain, nerve issues, or heart disease.

She let me know that there wasn’t anything we needed to change about my lifestyle other than prescribing some thyroid medicine to keep my hormone levels in check. Unfortunately, there is no “cure” to Hypothyroidism and you will usually need to stay on your medicine for the remainder of your lifetime. However, by simply taking your medicine every day your thyroid levels will return to normal. Simple as that.

My doctor only briefly touched on my cholesterol level. She said it was only borderline high, but she was 99% sure it was higher due to the Hypothyroidism—high cholesterol is a symptom of it. She said that my weight and diet made it pretty clear that what I was eating wasn’t causing the cholesterol levels to heighten, and that once I started taking my thyroid medicine she was sure the cholesterol would correct itself as well.

She let me know my prescription would be ready later that day and we made an appointment to check my levels again in October. Towards the end of the conversation she made a small comment about how, seeing as I mentioned at my last visit that we were trying to conceive, it was good I was starting the medicine because having Hypothyroidism can make it difficult to get pregnant.

This planted a small seed in my head that later grew into a toxic plant that wrapped itself around my brain.

I hung up and can honestly say I felt nothing other than humorous disbelief. Me? Hypothyroidism? It was laughable, really. But, jokes aside, it wasn’t a big deal to have. Nothing about my lifestyle had to change (diet, etc) other than taking a pill in the morning. I wasn’t feeling any “symptoms” of my condition, and my medicine had no symptoms or drawbacks to taking it either. Basically, nothing was changing for me. It would be just like taking another daily vitamin.

But later that evening, the comment my doctor had made about conception festered. Soon enough, I found myself scouring Google…the exact thing you should never do unless you’re trying to make yourself panic more. For the most part, all of the medical sources I found stated that unchecked Hypothyroidism can make it harder for women to get pregnant. This is because the low hormone levels can cause a woman’s cycle to become irregular, or even cause her not to ovulate. However, by simply taking your thyroid medicine your hormone levels will return to normal and any issues you may have been having will vanish. Furthermore, not everyone will even find issues with this in the first place—there are plenty of women who had undiagnosed Hypothyroidism and got pregnant without any problems.

This should’ve calmed my worries and eased my mind, right? Wrong.

I also managed to find one or two women who reported having huge issues trying to conceive and even some who were infertile because of it! And thus lies the issue with having too much information out there on the web: you can always find someone giving the worst possible scenario for your condition. And that is always what your mind will latch on to.

Naturally, I became a sobbing mess. My poor husband tried to reassure me with the same articles and sources I myself had already read, but I was just a lost cause. After months of waiting and discouragement and frustration, I felt like I finally had my answer: this was why we weren’t getting pregnant. It was my fault. My condition. My defect.

To think that I might be the cause of our delays was devastating for me.

Of course, thanks to my wonderful husband and my brain deciding to be rational again, I came to my senses and calmed down. I looked the facts in the face and knew there was no reason to jump to conclusions.

It hadn’t even been a concerning amount of time since we had started trying to conceive (it takes, on average, 6-12 months for most women to get pregnant and we had only decided to start trying mid-January). My doctor was not worried in the slightest. And, to top everything, my body was most likely still finishing up regulating itself after having stopped my birth control. (I had literally only just gotten my period back last month, for Pete's sake!)

So, here I am. Newly diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. Still trying to conceive. Taking each day one step at a time. Nothing has changed, and yet everything has changed, too.

The news I got Tuesday was certainly not what I was expecting. But, out of all the things I could’ve been told, it really isn’t that bad at all. Hopefully, my medicine corrects my thyroid and I will never experience any symptoms associated with Hypothyroidism. Maybe this medicine will even fix my cold sensitivity. 😉 And maybe, if I really am having issues with conception due to my condition, this will fix things and help us to get pregnant more quickly.

Well, that's all for now I guess. I pick up my new medication this week and will start taking it every day. I'm starting on the lowest possible dosage they have, just 0.025 mg. Three months from now my doctor is going to recheck my levels, to make sure they're improving and we don't need to up the dosage.

Thank you for taking the time to read these words—which I didn’t really write for anyone other than myself.

It’s all in God’s hands, but there is peace in my heart.